Behind the Portland hills the bright light slowly rose, peering through the thin slot of my blinds and falling across my face. My eyes popped open & I hopped out of bed. Seizing the day, I grabbed my goldendoodle, threw on my tennis shoes and rushed out the door. I longed for a quiet morning of reflection as the sun rose high into the ocean blue skies. I wanted moments to seek the living God & hear what he has for my life.
Last year at this time I was in my Heaven, Maui. I clearly remember sitting on the white sandy beaches so distraught that I was in my happy place, yet I couldn’t feel the emotions of happiness. I couldn’t feel anything, I was numb. The fresh salty ocean air or warm sand between in my toes couldn’t penetrate my soul and bring happiness. Walls had barricaded my life and I felt like an empty shell. My heart and body were so beaten down from the battlefield of many failed infertility treatments and emotional rollercoasters that I sat on the ocean shores many a mornings crying. But I was convinced it would change. I was sure that my 27th year would only get better. I left Maui last year believing I was leaving the worst of my 26th year behind me and walking into my 27th year with anticipation of better days.
But the past year was like a sucker-punch to the gut, only to be filled with more twists and turns on this journey of life and I once again I lived in survival mode. I lived with the mentality–how can I just endure this day. Most mornings I woke up only to quickly want it to just be over. The 27th year of my life was once again dashed of all expectations.
But God, oh so faithful is never finished with me in this journey of life and I have found a fight in me I didn’t know I had. He’s been flushing out my futile thinking and transforming my heart, which includes bringing me a fork in the road. This wrestling in my heart has been stirring as I battle this idea of surviving and living.
I have come to the point where I want to LIVE. I want to joyfully live again as he intends.
This morning I didn’t beg him to change my circumstance for my 28th Birthday–no, my hearts’ cry for my 28th Birthday is to live.
Fully live in this life has he has for me. I am done being exhausted & functioning in survival mode. This is NOT the life God intended for me because I know he has a better story He’s writing. He doesn’t want me to endure the days, he has so much more for me–and the option to truly live isn’t based on whether my circumstances change or not. I have a savior who is never-ever-changing and graciously pours his unfailing love upon me and that is the truth where I build my life upon.
I want to sing a new song this year– I don’t want to stop living as I wait— I want to praise him with my life. Deep in my heart, I take a deep breath out and ask him to fill my heart afresh. I want more of the Holy Spirit…more of Jesus. I want to exhale the burdens of exhaustion and inhale the fresh air of hope Jesus has for me.
I want to live with perseverance–with true joy–I want my days to be filled with hope. I want to fully embrace this temporary life as a daughter of the King of Kings here on earth until he calls me heavenward.
28 is the year I live again. It’s been awhile and I am ready to let go and move forward. It’s time to shine my light again.
Philippians 12-14 I’m not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don’t get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I’ve got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I’m off and running, and I’m not turning back.
Dare to hope,