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Two Months.

Two months, in one breath 60 days quickly gone, yet slowly passed.
Two months life altered.
Two months learning to live without my closest friend.

My journal filled with word upon words as I process life.

Will my heart ever stop bleeding for you?
Will the deep ache squeezing my soul ever relent?
The pain that over takes my whole body is all consuming
Her delicate features of her face imprinted on my eyes
Her sweet words echo in my ears
Her gentle touch secured in the palm of my hands
Her scent–those oils she wore, so fragrant, the aroma fills my nostrils.
Her love holding my soul.

She changed me.
I can’t believe her death sits heavy on this life of mine and has forever altered my path.
I will never be the same because my dearest friend, my second mom, my aunt is missing.
Can I survive?
I shall see.

How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul, with sorrow in my heart every day?  (Psalm 13:2) 

I bury myself morning by morning in the scriptures.
Pressing into my Creator. I land in my favorite book, Psalms, they are the healing words for a broken heart.
And I am reminded, I will survive.
One day at a time.
His unfailing word that brings hope to a soul in anguish.

My soul melts away for sorrow; strengthen me according to your word! (Psalm 119:28)

If your heart is broken, you’ll find God right there; if you’re kicked in the gut, he’ll help you catch your breath. (Psalm 34:18)

When that devil comes to steal my joy and speaks lies of defeat upon a heavy heart, I soak my soul in eternal truths that often slip my mind.
A thief is only there to steal and kill and destroy. I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of.  (John 10:10)

God, our father is here to breathe everlasting life into our hearts.
He gives us victory over this life.
I may feel defeat, but that is not my destiny.
I utter God’s promises, you are a God who is FOR me, not against me.
Satan brings death to my door, to steal and destroy me.
But you and I have a great high priest who has experienced the suffering this life offers us.
HOPE shatters the darkness.

Instead of running away, with bold confidence, we need to walk right up to his throne with all our baggage, pain, sorrow, and anger. We can approach Him with all our emotions, lay it at his feet and accept God’s unending love and mercy he offers.

We don’t have a priest who is out of touch with our reality.He’s been through weakness and testing, experienced it all—all but the sin. Finally, let’s draw near to the throne of favor with confidence so that we can receive mercy and find grace when we need help. (Heb: 4:14-16)

Today, I am catching my breath at the feet of Jesus.
In all my reflection, grief and sorrow I am sitting at my Savior’s throne.
Meditating on the abundant, victorious life he has for me.
Soaking in is love he freely gives.
Praising him for this grace.

Because of Jesus, because of the cross,  I can sing praises in midst of all life’s troubles.

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