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National Infertility Week // Our story of infertility //

July 25 2015 I held my miracle babes close. I savored those babies on my chest recalling the years to get to this point… it was redemption day. 6 years of pain and waiting to experience heaven on earth.

Over those 6 years we emptied our wallets, emotions, and my body.

  • 3 months on a clomid rage
  • 4 failed IUI’s
  • 2 years working with holistic dr.
  • IVF with one failed IVF transfer.

Every bit of this we paid out of pocket. No help from insurance. Gracious friends and family invested some into our infertility journey, but for the rest we emptied any and all the savings we ever had to have a family. I say this not for pity, because God so graciously provided, but I say it to bring awareness. A lot of people assume insurance covers it, sadly it doesn’t for most people.

I’ve seen God MOVE MOUNTAINS and miracles with finances in our life when it came to treatments, so if you find yourself wanting to move ahead but money is the only barrier stopping you.. move ahead in faith and watch God provide.

Those baby girls were worth every single penny and pain, but there is no denying, there was great sacrifice along the way.

I believed once I became a mama that door of infertility would shut close, but what took me back was that didn’t happen. The moment I held those babes I realized how deeply I was truly missing out, my waiting may have been over, but it surfaced new emotions and pain.

Having the twins relieved the ache to be a mama, yet it only increased my love for more. When I snuggled those girls close, I realized I’d been longing for this moment, yet this moment was 1,000x better than I dreamt it would be.

It’s been almost 4 years since we welcomed these girls into our hearts and home…. but it also has been 4 more years of infertility. Even though my heart is filled with gratitude to be a mama, I wanted the chance to experience getting pregnant on my own. Just once. Just once in 10 years I wanted to know what it was like to get a positive pregnancy test without a doctor.

EVERY single month I hold a secret… the secret of the disappoint arises. It’s silent, not spoken. Under the layers of the joy of being a mama, it is tucked down deep. Once a month I wave hello to the passing disappointment and move on.

Having babes in our home makes the pain much different. It is not all consuming, it’s a lingering over your heart that stings you once a month.

There is an even heavier lingering of emotions that’s held me heart these last 4 years.

Not a month’s gone by I haven’t thought of the possibility of life again….

Life for our 4th and final embryo in Portland. 

Year after year we’ve paid to keep her frozen* (*we don’t know the sex but I call my embryo a girl)

Year after year I have wanted to go rescue her from the freezer and give her a chance at life.

I’ve carried guilt and grief.

When infertility leads to IVF treatments, it opens up an entire new world of decisions, emotions, and possibilities that sometimes can make your head spin from overwhelm.

Recently we explored the options of moving ahead ( I can’t wait to share the story with you) But when the covers came off my heart and I knew it was time to move ahead the pain of infertility burst straight to the top. I spent days crying… having somewhat of a mini pity party to God… wrestling with all the things that had to line up just to implant our last embryo.

Once again my faith was tested. 

One morning I found myself sitting in a parking lot alone praying, wrestling, contending to the Lord with all my faith.

He took me back. He walked me through the story of our twins and I heard him speak to my heart.

Move ahead in faith, despite your obstacles. I am bigger than every issue you are presenting. Don’t forget what I have done for you.

In a few short months we will move ahead in faith and ask God to once again do it again. 

“Your promise still stands
Great is Your faithfulness, faithfulness
I’m still in Your hands
This is my confidence, You never failed me yet

I’ve seen You move, come move the mountains
And I believe, I’ll see You do it again
You made a way, where there was no way
And I believe, I’ll see You do it again”
Through the processing of moving ahead I’ve placed my pity at the cross, let go of fear and walked through the story of our infertility journey. I’ve been reminded, infertility holds a gift.
I had to bring my pain and disappoint and exchange it for beauty. Beauty for ashes.  
 “to give them a crown in place of ashes,
oil of joy in place of mourning,
a mantle of praise in place of discouragement.
They will be called Oaks of Righteousness,
planted by the Lord to glorify himself.”
Infertility holds deep pain and grief, yet within the pain of waiting I’ve seen God move in mysterious, powerful ways. I’ve encountered the living God in a way that calls me to praise him in the pain.
I think back to my first words from my journal I ever shared publicly in this space. 7 years ago I let the world into my pain….
Personal journal entry November 2011, “I’m sitting on my dog’s bed near my bed tonight as I sort through my heart. It seems fitting to sit here. Today as it feels all our friends and peers celebrate their pregnancies, their gender reveal parties, we take the walk of shame into the infertility clinic. While joys are ringing out through Facebook congrats and all attention points to their big news, we walk quietly and all alone to the clinic. Trying to be strong and hopeful we grasp hand and enter the clinic. We sit nervously awaiting tests we wish we didn’t really have to do. In silence we sit, sorting through emotions struggling to understand. We rejoice with our friends and peers, yet there is still a deep sting in the heart bringing forth questions, will I ever get to experience this? Trying to hold tight to Jesus’ promises and not let my heart grow faint I continue to smile as tears slowly fall down the inside of my heart.  Here I sit reading all about treatments, downing every home remedy and vitamin, and working through pain–realizing all our friends and peers are joyfully reading about the latest nursery decor and fun baby items as they bask in a glow. God, am I strong enough? I have to let go of these questions and cling to Jesus, my Rock and Redeemer who promises to never leave me. My future is unclear, but one things remains clear. Jesus loves me this I know. He died on a cross for me and I am clinging to His love.”
I am so different from this girl who wrote these words… in this darkness of depression I couldn’t see how this would end. I was undone. But these darks moments is where God was just beginning his story.
Infertility isn’t who I am, but it IS my story. It will always be.
Infertility is what God used to teach me his nearness, his sweet goodness.
Infertility is the story of how God took a broken girl and led her through the wilderness so she could experience powerful miracles.
Infertility brought me new friends who are walking through their wait.
Walking through the fire of grief opened my heart to compassion for others.
Infertility made me appreciate the gift of life…. the sheer miracle of life.
Infertility can make you question your faith as you live in a constant fog of grief… It will test you… but in the testing I learned for myself, God never leaves us forsakes us, even in the darkest days.
I don’t know the outcome for you in your infertility journey, I don’t the outcome for our precious 4th embryo…. but I do know that I will never lose hope because I know the one true hope.

“Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed”

Against all hope, I in hope believe.

Against all hope, with doubts, tears, fears, grief, broken dreams in my hand,

I, Katie, in hope believe.

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  1. Elise says:

    Thank you for sharing this Katie. I will share this with my daughter who is in an infertility journey right now(not Kyla). Praying for you and your next steps with your journey as well!

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