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Closing a door.

I opened my eyes before sun was up and scurried into her nursery and scooped her up close so to rock her back to sleep.

As I held her close I felt the weight gone off my shoulders— I felt a deep peace. The night before Branden and I submitted our last payment to pay off our FINAL & FOREVER infertility bill. A goal I had made before Kezia turned one. While I was filled with celebration I was surprised at the closure I sensed and the lifting of a burden off my chest. It wasn’t until I realized it was no longer hanging over my head like a dark cloud, did I see that this was the last stop in closing our infertility journey.

It was freeing and celebratory.

For the last 9 years, my life has been consumed with having babies.  Since infertility is our story, that meant thousands upon thousands, and then even more thousands of dollars out of our pockets poured out into naturopathic medicine, every supplement you can imagine, doctor appointments, 4 IUI procedures, IVF, storage fees, and embryo transfers. If you aren’t one whose affected by infertility, you may not be aware that for many insurance covers NOTHING!

I remember when I was first embarking on this treatment journey and I met with a friend for wisdom… is it wise to spend this money I asked? She advised me once I had a baby in my arms I’d pay any amount of money for that little life. But it still wasn’t that easy for me. I wrestled with a lot of prayers that God would need to supernaturally provide… and in the early phases friends and family were so generous to contribute to our fertility costs.

When it was time to pay for our first IVF cycle I remember driving the check downtown to the clinic and I sobbed the whole drive because the bank teller who was making out my check had just asked me excitedly if this was a down payment for a house… and I quietly gasped inside. The money I was handing over to the clinic was NO guarantee I’d get little miracles— we drained every single dollar we had to our name in faith…. handing that money over with no guarantee I’d see a return, was all faith and trusting God one tiny step forward at a time.

Each year following the twins birth, we’d pay a storage fee to hold our last embryo (now Kezia) and each year nausea would set in when we had to write that check….It was scribbling faith into numbers on a check line.

When God gave me a dream it was time to move ahead with implanting Kezia, finances were the only roadblock. I remember one drive where I pulled over in a grocery store parking lot and just laid my soul bare before the Lord. I remember sitting in my drivers seat with tears rolling down my eyes contending for faith because I knew God wanted me to step out —to move forward— but we had not an ounce of extra to pay for the procedure —once again God was teaching me to take steps of obedience and let him provide!

As we paid off that last and final bill this week, I was overwhelmed by God’s extravagant provision… I felt silly for all the worrying and stressing and doubting I carried for all those years. We, me especially, love to have all my ducks in a row and to see ahead the details before I act— but it was through years of walking in FOG, where I couldn’t see one step in front of another that I learned to listen to the Spirit, obey and trust.

The fog is where I learned the details are in his hands.

My friend was right all those years later…. I’d empty every ounce of savings, go into debt, and live on “rice and beans,” to have my three sweet girls in my arms.

Kezia means, “it is finished,” from the book of Job. Closing the final and last chapter of our infertility treatment payments truly was a celebration, our “it is finished” finale … only by Gods grace!

When we hit that “click to submit” button and forever closed the door on infertility, it was closing the door on a long dark season, saying good-bye to a grief and learning to wait…but it all was a gift in hindsight. It prepared me to now walk through whatever the open doors that lie ahead.
This week I closed a door and shook off the extra weight I was carrying and now I am looking straight ahead into the open doors of new seasons.

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