In preparation for separating my blogs I found myself plopped behind my computer screen one evening reading over my past writings. Some of the writing I specifically read were all around a year ago, where some big life changes occurred. I wrote a very personal post I titled, I cried over my fridge in January 2013, but something happened when I reread this post in January 2014. As my eyes scanned line by line I just sat there stunned by the words.
On January 8th I penned these words in my prayer journal and shared them on the blog,
“selling my house has revealed my fight for comfortable in this world……
‘but the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth and the desires for other things come in and choke the word, making it unfruitful.’ Mark 4:19
I cried out, ‘Lord, I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to be the seed among the thorns’ …………
The man answered, ‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your strength, and all your mind.’ And, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ “Right!” Jesus told him. “Do this and you will live!’
YES LORD! I prayed over this verse and asked that the Lord replace my love of my fridge and my cute home with love for Him. I want Christ to be my first love and love Him with all my heart, soul, strength, and mind…because that brings forth true life.”
Quietly I sat there as goosebumps raced up my arms. Reflecting back I was unaware of how God would answer that prayer of my heart over the past 365 days.
Those heartfelt words I prayed begging him to not let me love the things of this world more than him.
He answered that prayer the past 365 days in ways I would have never imagined but I was blind in my understanding of how that “dangerous” prayer would unfold. I did not fully grasp when those heartfelt words came out of my mouth what that journey I was about to embark on would look like.
Looking back through the past year I can see clarity, sometimes the things I thought were killing me this year were actually saving me…saving me from myself, my destruction, and my love of the things of this temporary world.
In 365 days God has changed my sinner’s soul. Oh have I changed, but I only changed by HIS grace and love…nothing on my own accord.
-My perspective on money has drastically shifted
-My faith is richer
-I am just beginning to understand the depth of trust in him
-An eternal perspective
-A hunger and thirst for the Holy Spirit in my daily life
-Because of 365 of desperation I got to witness miracles in my life.
-I tend to default to worry—but through 365 days of desperate living I have begun to understand and live Matthew 6:25-34
“So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.
This journey God placed me on to answer my desperate plea to strip me over the love of this world would mean him needing to strip me down to the bare bones.
Pulling the lies out of my life & replacing them with truth.
The truth that HE is enough
The Lord is my shepherd; I have all that I need. (Psalms 23)
He is ALL I need. Not money in my bank account, not a house or a certain car or job, not security in temporary things, not food nor cute clothes.
Sometime we can only learn he is all that we need when he is all that we have.
I only need Him, He is all that I need.
When at times over these 12 months I’ve cried out to God, why, why this…
I had forgotten that I was the one who asked to be more like him.
I was the one who prayed to love the things of this world less.
He who is faithful answered…but to be more like Jesus everyday means sometimes walking through a painful refiners fire.
365 days ago I begged the Lord to strip the love of this world from my flesh. I am far from there and until eternity will battle the desires of this temporary earth but one year later I love Jesus differently. When you are stripped down naked and fragile you are left at the foot of the cross desperate.
Because of this year I have gained a deeper understanding of the his blood shed on a Roman cross. The gift of grace and sacrificial love.
This year I surrendered the entitlement that I carried, that I didn’t even know I had, and came face to face with my wretched sinner soul….I came to understand I deserve nothing: Not life. Not breathe. Not eternity.
But because of his lavish grace I was bought with a price & a thankful heart pours out praises to her King.
We have been ransomed through his Son’s blood, and we have forgiveness for our failures based on his overflowing grace, which he poured over us with wisdom and understanding. Ephesians 1:7-8
In 365 days nothing has become sweeter than the name of Jesus on my lips.
He is it.
He is the beginning and the end.
He is prize, the goal in this life.
In Him it is finished.
This is great writing, Katie. Your honesty and transparency is inspiring and appreciated. I think we all wrestle with praying dangerous prayers. And yet you found the courage to step out, bare your soul and pray it anyway. I hope I can do the same. I am working on it but wrestling with certain fears too. Thanks for sharing your journey. I look forward to reading more.
Thanks Becky for sharing with me…I appreciate your transparency as well. Praying we have the courage and boldness to pray and trust! 🙂