My heart is in an unrest.
The hours of my days are filled with questions because my heart is discontent…

Discontent over
complacency
the status quo
defeat

Through the many hours, days, and years of trials–of suffering I found myself in a fetal position with no more fight left.
And through the last year in a half, though life has increasingly become even more hard, Jesus breathed hope into my weariness.

Then, through the last 2 months of grieving and processing the loss of my Aunt the flood gates opened in my heart.
The flood of questions, searching, confusion, and the stirring….oh, the stirring of the Holy Spirit.

Through these trials, these seasons that felt like utter defeat, God has opened my eyes to see, seeds are sprouting up as he is building new life inside me.

Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. (2 Cor. 4:16)

I think Satan is quite happy with complacency. With Jesus followers who aren’t really searching the scriptures. Who aren’t hungering or thirsting for more of Him.

And I am hungry, hungry to understand what life can truly look like empowered by the Holy Spirit on this earth.

I do not want to settle.
I do not want to live my life on this earth as a passive Christians.
To settle for the things Christian culture has sold me.
To settle for how I think life should go.
I don’t want to live out the lies the Devil has deceived me to believe.

There is one verse that I keep going back to in Ephesians 3:20

His power at work in us can do far more than we dare ask or imagine. (cev)

God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us. (msg)

His Spirit–the same Spirit that conquered death, able to go beyond my wildest comprehension or imagination…now that sounds exciting!

I scribbled in my journal this week, Katie, ask boldly and dream big because God’s power can do more than what I can think to even ask.

His power that is at work IN me, can do MORE than my mind can conceive.
If I truly live this way, living in this power, my daily life on earth would look different.

I am on a journey.
Part of this journey is letting go of misconceptions of the Christian life I once believed…dumping my old “theology” out, theology that I never discovered for myself and rediscovering what my life hidden in Christ, empowered by the Spirit on earth is all about.
And some of this journey includes newness…the Spirit birthing new life into my heart.

I do not want to miss out on this adventure, I don’t want complacency to win in my life.

Because losing my Aunt made me understand, this life is but a breath.

My life, but a breath.