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182 days

6 months

Half of year

and 182 days ago we have lived without your beautiful spirit.

182 days ago I wandered up to the cafeteria where I heard the words suddenly echoing through the whole hospital,

“code blue, cicu, code clue, cicu…” over and over those words rung out and in my soul, I knew those calls were for you, I just knew.

There in the busy cafeteria I placed my head on the cold table and began praying.

As I called out to God begging him to heal you a vision appeared,

In your room beside your hospital bed, all in white, the angels circled you.

When that vision appeared I was filled with hope, I believed the Lord was healing you, but as we raced down the hospital halls to reach your room we soon learned your heart stopped.

Your body was healed, just not on this earth.

That vision has brought me peace in times of confusion.  Peace that you were protected in those last breathes you took on that cold February morning.

182 days ago those angels came near and your beautiful Spirit went to live in the heavenly realms with our Creator.

182 days ago you became fully alive, more alive than I understand because you are restored, healed, and whole in the presence of Jesus.

And while you are without pain, full of life, and living with Jesus, we are 182 days broken, devastated, tear-filled, hurt, and empty without you here.

I never thought I would know would what it would be like to not speak to you for half a year, yet here I am trying to grasp this reality.

I often think I am living a dream, because my brain cannot comprehend the reality that I can’t share life with you anymore.

Many days I find myself holding your pictures, longing to hear your voice through the picture, to magically make you reappear.

Here I am, about to walk through a journey in my life that I was always sure you’d be here for. I never imagined that I wouldn’t have you to hold my hand, cheer me on and take me out for Red Robin fries.

In 182 days I swallow the cold reality, no one can replace you.

You are irreplaceable.

Your loss will never stop impacting all of our lives who knew you…

Those of us who were loved by your giving spirit, touched by your smile, infected by your joy, and encouraged by your endless sweet words.

Your life left an impression on our hearts that we will never forget.

Here I am, 6 months without you, and I simply miss you….we all miss you.

Until the day I take my last breath on earth, I will carry a dent in my heart where your life left an imprint on my soul.

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Letter to my Aunt

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  1. Robin Turnbull says:

    Katie you have such a gift with words..such a beautiful posting.

  2. Karmen Isitt says:

    So sorry for the pain you feel in this loss Katie. What a beautiful post and tribute to Susan. Sounds like you two had an incredible relationship.

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