Fighting to find my breathe, she asked me to close my eyes.
In the dimly lit tiny room I found myself sitting on a living-room esque sofa. I clenched my hands and bowed my head. Eyes closed, heart racing I waited.
She prayed over me. I waited.
With eyes still closed, she asks, “Where are you?”
Tears streaming down my face I see. I see it.
In a meadow I reply.
Crystal clear, the vision arose with great detail. A green meadow with a little stream humming nearby.
There He sat, open arms waiting to give me gifts.
The Meadow was home.
A day later, racing heart, panic filling the bones of my body I lay on a table in the small room.
Hair-thin needles perfectly placed over me I fight to find my breath.
Anxiety races through my mind, how am I going to sit alone on a table for 45 minutes?
Home. Go to the Meadow.
I close my eyes, slowly breathing in, counting my seconds I found myself back home in the meadow.
Green grass sways in the high noon sunlight.
The little stream is humming.
I breathe in, I relax, anxiety flees, I am in the safety of home. He is there waiting for me.
A few evenings later, the darkness of the night counts on hour by hour.
12am, 1 am … sleep evades. Heart pounds, teeth chattering, body shaking, fighting to find my breathe.
Climbing into bed, eyes close, Bible open I lay my hands on Psalms 23. I recite the words…
“He lets me rest in green meadows;
he leads me beside peaceful streams.
He renews my strength.
He guides me along right paths,
bringing honor to his name.
Even when I walk
through the darkest valley,
I will not be afraid,
for you are close beside me.
Your rod and your staff
protect and comfort me.”
Home. Back to the meadow we go. There in the silence of night I found my way to the sun-filled meadow where he sits, waiting for me. Body releasing the uncontrollable chattering, I surrender in the meadow. I collapse in weariness near the humming of the stream. My head falls in a bed of grass and I drift off to sleep with the presence of his hand on my head. Peace fills my heart.
In the dark, I feel so lost.
Yet you’ve never been so close as now.
Questions overcome, I wrestle. The weight of my own judgment laying like bricks stacked on my shoulders.
Freedom breathes in, release the control. Let go of the shame.
Go back home.
Rest in the presence of our Savior, where the burdens are light and weakness is the victory.
In the heaviness of heart, take courage in the cross, set your eyes on the power we possess not the voice of fear that tells us lies.
“For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.”
In the lowest valley we walk through with the; crown of victory, robe of righteousness, shield of faith, and the mind of Christ. Fear must go, freedom must come. Go dance before your King, your father with abandon.
“It is at home that we feel safe: we shut the world out and dwell in quiet security. So when we are with our God we “fear no evil.” He is our shelter and retreat, our abiding refuge.
At home, we take our rest; it is there we find repose after the fatigue and toil of the day. And so our hearts find rest in God, when, wearied with life’s conflict, we turn to him, and our soul dwells at ease.
At home, also, we let our hearts loose; we are not afraid of being misunderstood, nor of our words being misconstrued. So when we are with God we can commune freely with him, laying open all our hidden desires; for if the “secret of the Lord is with them that fear him,” the secrets of them that fear him ought to be, and must be, with their Lord.
Home, too, is the place of our truest and purest happiness: and it is in God that our hearts find their deepest delight. We have joy in him which far surpasses all other joy.
“It is also for home that we work and labour. The thought of it gives strength to bear the daily burden, and quickens the fingers to perform the task; and in this sense we may also say that God is our home. Love to him strengthens us. We think of him in the person of his dear Son; and a glimpse of the suffering face of the Redeemer constrains us to labour in his cause….Happy are those who have thus the God of Jacob for their refuge!” – Charles Spurgeon Morning and Evening 11.10.