In the white washed, sterile room I sat across from him, he sat down and looked my eyes and gently said, “I need to mentally prepare you for what is going to be your reality Monday…. a C-Section.”
There in the chair grief struck my heart as I sank into deep discouragement and saddness. I walked to my car with tears and for over a week wrestled with the pain of letting a deep desire and plan slip through my hands.
A longing for a VBAC wasn’t just a quick hearted decision, from day the twins were born via emergency C-Section, I knew I wanted a VBAC with God-willing, baby #3.
6 years of infertility
6 years of pokes, needles, doctor appointments and negative tests
Years of feeling like a science experiment, taking hormone pills that made me sick and shoving needles in my stomach night after night, all in hopes of building a family.
Rather than feeling like a “normal couple” making babies, the journey was often lonely and very “medical”.
When I became pregnant with the twins my plan was to always deliver naturally, to hold onto the one dream of feeling like a human, rather than a medical experiment. On the afternoon of July 25th I had to let that dream go as I chose what was best for all 3 of us. There, laying in the operating room, I underwent major abdominal surgery to bring my miracle girls into the world.
After their birth, another infertility battle.
4 more years of trying for a baby naturally, 4 more years of not one positive pregnancy test.
10 years of never being able to get pregnant without medical support.
On June 21, 2019 we headed back to Portland to go get our last embryo and have her implanted in hopes of being pregnant.
The day I knew I was pregnant with her I dreamed of having my VBAC.
I prepared in every way possible….
This was going to be my redemptive, supernatural birth… this is our last baby, this was my one chance to allow me to feel like a woman… a “normal” person bringing life into this world. I longed to experience a hands-off birth and have my moment, a moment in my life where doctors didn’t have to be prodding and poking me as a medical patient.
My heart was set. I didn’t see it going any other way.
Then that one sentence on a Monday afternoon cracked my plans.
Devastation broke in and shattered my heart. I wrestled with the news.
I have grieved. I have cried and faced the reality ahead of me.
Early one morning I was nesting, with a vacuum in hand, worship music filling my kitchen the Spirit prompted these words over my soul,
In that moment I had to let go of control, the longing of how I wanted it to go and place my trust in Him who is watching over my life. I made my plans for 9 months, but I had not let go of control.
Early that morning, my time for grieving was being called into a new dream, I was being asked to walk into these change of plans with joy and expectation of different kind. To pray for new dreams to find me in these new plans, plans that now included surgery.
In God’s grace, He’s gently pulled me from my discouragement and strengthened me to walk into Monday’s surgery with a different heart… that I can still expect God to meet me in supernatural ways. That the grief of changed plans doesn’t have to steal my power.
God presence is my power…
and his presence will be filling that operating room as Kezia Joy enters the world. It is nothing like my heart had longed for, but I know God is good… and he will meet me in those hours that I wished I didn’t have to experience.
Joy can found in changed plans, even if sorrow still lingers.
Joy and sorrow can co-mingle.
Thankfulness can be buried in lost dreams.
Power can found in allowing God’s presence in to a broken heart.
I still believe God is a dream-giver.
I still believe God is a good God.
I still believe God’s steps are always best.
Every night before I fall asleep I listen to psalms 23 on repeat, sometimes 10-20 times. There I lie in the stillness of the night and soak in these tender words.
The Lord is my best friend and my shepherd.
I always have more than enough.
He offers a resting place for me in his luxurious love.
His tracks take me to an oasis of peace, the quiet brook of bliss.
That’s where he restores and revives my life.
He opens before me pathways to God’s pleasure
and leads me along in his footsteps of righteousness
so that I can bring honor to his name.
Lord, even when your path takes me through
the valley of deepest darkness,
fear will never conquer me, for you already have!
You remain close to me and lead me through it all the way.
Your authority is my strength and my peace.
The comfort of your love takes away my fear.
I’ll never be lonely, for you are near.
You become my delicious feast
even when my enemies dare to fight.
You anoint me with the fragrance of your Holy Spirit;
you give me all I can drink of you until my heart overflows.
So why would I fear the future?
For your goodness and love pursue me all the days of my life.
Then afterward, when my life is through,
I’ll return to your glorious presence to be forever with you!