I think back on that early afternoon on February 17th that they laid you on my chest, just you and I lost in love, drowning out all that was swirling around us. We had no idea we were weeks away from stepping into a chaotic, upside-down year called 2020. People will look back years and years to come and reference this year, 2020 as a historic marker in their lifetime. But for you and for I, this was the year my little miracle brought the gift of joy into my life and our family.
Kezia, even though this last year was the slowest year in our nation, under lockdowns and unable to move freely about the country– for the first few months of your life we stayed cozied up in our home, just the 5 of us. There were few visitors and no events to attend… not even church! Your dad got to work from home, we all were trapped in our home and I was assured that the slower pace that was forced upon us would make time slow down. But here we are, and it still feels like I blinked and you turned one. There is no way to bottle up time and make it stop, even when the world stopped in 2020.
The first part of your little life I would wake with anxiety, unable to breathe, processing the sudden pace of change derailing the world, but then I would glance over at you in the quiet of the night, reach over and place you on my chest. I’d hold your little body close, Your breathing upon my chest syncing my breath again and peace would wash over me. In the midnight hour, it was just you and I, my love for you would wash over any fears I held.
My sweet girl, we keep it no secret that you were created and formed at the same time as your twin sisters… you just had a five year freezer wait. THAT alone brings tears to my eyes and awe to my mind. Through God miracles and technology you were held for just this moment. We have spent the last year loving the Kezia-in-body form,
but I have loved you for five years and longed for you for 10.
Not a year went by that I didn’t cry and ache in my soul for you.
Not a year that my heart didn’t burst with angst that you were away from us.
For some this may sound weird, but it is part of your story, our story. I have loved you for five years— so when I held you every single night this past year, I was holding a 10 year longing of tears to be a mom, and five years of knowing you were there in Portland, it just wasn’t the right time.
I share this part of about time with you, because I wrestled with timing in so many facets, I don’t ever want you to question timing, your birthday, February 17, 2020 not a moment too early or late.
See right before you were born I asked God for a word of vision over your birth…. this is what I wrote a few days before your arrival.
For months I’ve asked for a vision and a “word” for this coming girl.
Then at just the right time I saw this exact picture.
A picture of a hot pink Tulip, pushing out through the cold winter dirt. Dormant the seed has been through the winter, building roots and transforming… but the time to emerge has come. Bursting from a small bulb to a blooming flower painting the world with color.
The beauty is in the struggle.
The dirt stands in the way between death and life.
Yet strength is found in the emergence of dark to light.
There is no life without death.
There is no pink tulip blooming forth without the season to draw roots down deep in the cold winter darkness and its struggle to pop up above the dirt.
For such a time as this.
When I wrote these words, 2020 hadn’t happened yet… but in looking back I find this picture an anchoring for my soul.
2020, for such a time as this.
In the earlier months of the year I would mumble to God, why did the most joyful experience, having you, have to come at the most painstaking time in America? Why did I have to carry both emotions… why couldn’t you be born when life was “normal?” A part of me felt like a little bit of the experience of having a baby was stolen from me. And for your mama, who wrestled with infertility for soooo long, I wanted the FULL experience! 🙂 I even had deep wrestlings, I don’t want to raise a baby in the middle of this turmoil. By God’s grace, as I worked through these emotions I landed back at the promise he gave me before you were born,
FOR SUCH A TIME AS THIS.
Kezia Joy, I think of the roots already building, your destiny being formed as a tiny babe. Your name is a prophetic promise. Your entrance into this world created by God, was not a moment early or late.
Kezia, baby girl, that is your foundation… but the BEST parts of this last year was all JOY we had as a family! You were always smiling, laughing, chatting. Your twin sisters never had jealousy, they just embraced you as their sister and smothered you to pieces 😉 Even though 2020 was strange, I actually can say I had one of the most JOY-filled years of my life… and you were a gift that brought that joy. I felt complete, my heart no longer wandering or longing like all those years. You were so flexible as I carried you in my wrap, watching the sparkle in your eyes and your hearing your baby coos as we found ways to adventure out. You love to do whatever your sisters are doing, hating to be left out. You are independent, yet also very clingy! Haha… you LOVE to be held, because someone has been always holding you your first year.
You have a mouth full of teeth, can stand, crawl, and you LOVE LOVE music! Dancing is your favorite activity. You are a rockstar sleeper and for that I say, THANK you Kezia.
I don’t want your first letter to end. But each year you will get another letter from me… and I will be just as sappy and sentimental.
Kezia, I pray fiercely over your life. Often at night as I rock you or feed you I pray declarations of truth over your miraculous life. May you one look back and see the foundations laid for you that will infuse you with courage as you walk in your story with confidence. I pray you embrace your birth year, 2020 with pride. I pray you spread JOY with your smile and life the rest of your days. We need more JOY in this world and you Kezia are just that, a girl filled with joy.
You will never know the depth of love I carry for you, but may you hear it in my words, feel it in embrace, and know it in your soul.
Happy 1st Birthday Kezia Joy!
Love your Mama
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