Tucked down in my parent’s basement I am currently snug in their guest bedroom. All alone, with my books, journals, Bible and laptop propped up around… my happy place, as only a true introvert could be 😉

All those years before kids, this is what I would do for 2-3 hours a morning. I would grab my hot coffee and sit in my bed writing, praying and reading. It was life-giving, yet once the twins came these times turned into few and far between… even the enjoyment of a simple cup of hot coffee.  Yet my soul years for the hours to write and sit amongst my books. Tomorrow I will turn 35 and as one of my gifts I asked to just have alone time to write.

Tomorrow I will celebrate another 365 years around the sun. I will celebrate this life, this gift of breathe in my lungs and a family to love.

Last year at this time I was in preparation to begin taking hormones to implant our 4th embryo (Kezia Joy), June 20th. I knew without a shadow of a doubt she would be ours to love here on earth. God had given me such confirmation and faith to walk forward in our IVF journey I believed the year would entail pregnancy.

Though much of my entire 34th year was pregnancy it was a pressing into the Lord on the grounds of trust.

Before we picked our implantation date with our doctor, all the way to her birth I would hear the Lord speak over me, Do you trust me?

Do you trust me with your life?

There were times where my mind would say yes, but my heart was not there. I would cry out, ” I want this to be true of me, but it is not true of me in this moment.”

Entering my 34th Birthday,  I was coming out of an intense battle and conquering over a dark and unexpected journey with fear and anxiety. He gave me victory and led me right out of that fog of fear into the wide open spaces of trust. Last year was learning to come head to head with trusting him as my good and faithful Father and Savior.

I feel like I am on the shores of walking into this next phase of my life, a new chapter so to speak. A huge part of that had to do with infertility and pregnancy finally behind me. The pages are turned on our 10 year chapter of fighting for our family through infertility and hard pregnancies.  Those late 20’s were filled with suffering, infertility, loss, grief and waiting upon waiting. My early 30’s were filled with JOY of dreams fulfilled, prayers answered, yet they still held a lot of suffering, hardships and deep refinement. As I come into another year, the gift to celebrate a Birthday, I embrace my half-way 30’s as a new chapter. I come with a refined vision and burning passion in my soul that won’t relent.

I can declare his goodness and faithfulness in all seasons, because I have lived it. I have seen God fulfill cries of my heart, answer years of prayers and carry me through hell and back. I know I still have a whole lot of life ahead of me, but I believe I’ve been prepped year after to year to walk whatever lies ahead in the coming year or years.

I’ve got a grit in my soul… a heals-dug-deep, not relenting until you move God, fire. It will require a level of obedience that only a trusting and believing in his goodness and experiencing his faithfulness can carry out in fath.

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When hope’s dream seems to drag on and on,
the delay can be depressing.
But when at last your dream comes true,
life’s sweetness will satisfy your soul

^{Proverbs 13: 12}

 

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