This week is National Infertility Awareness Week, I thought on Monday I would kick off the week but my heart needed a few days to wrestle through what this week really represents.
Though my infertility is now tucked away and the story has an ending, the story God has given me never ends. Who I am today, two weeks away from 36 was deeply formed through the years of infertility. I will never stop remembering what God did, I will never stop praying over those in their wait, and calling out to those in the pit of infertility to keep Daring to Hope.
A few years ago I shared the next phases of our infertility journey as we were about to move forward with implanting Kezia Joy and I shared the ways infertility still affected me, even though I had the twins.
This week as I was moving some furniture an embryo picture that had fallen behind the dresser was discovered. It was a picture of the day we implanted Kezia Joy, a 5 day embryo, stored in a freezer for 5 years!
I sat and held the picture and took a deep sigh, thanking God for 3 miracles, thanking him that I am done with needles, hormone medications, doctor appointments, and pouring out thousands and thousands of dollars in faith.
Later in the week, one morning in prayer I was reflecting on that embryo picture I just discovered and was overwhelmed recounting the Lord’s blessings…. but one thing the Lord reminded me was how he has poured his blessings upon our family in this season and how short-sighted my faith was. Truly, when I prayed for over 10 years for a family, children was the gift. That’s all I wanted from him.
The last few months God has been sharing and speaking to me about ABUNDANCE! I’ve never shied away from transparency on this blog… my heart has always poured out in honesty, and this is where God has shaped me in the last few months:
In my 10 years of praying, all I wanted was to be a mama. That was it! I never asked more of God than to just answer than one prayer. And now that I have been blessed with three little miracles, God has been showing me that he had more for me than just the girls. That every year of suffering, praying, weeping, enduring and persevering would not be forgotten in his eyes.
He saw me.
Infertility has been a gift, I know I didn’t see that in the season of it, but the tenacity and fire I carry to see God move was formed in the wilderness of waiting. My faith has only increased because of learning to live in the tension.
I wrote a few months ago about a door closing and a new season before us…I feel like I am walking in this new season, a rich season of abundance, that can only be a gift from the the Giver himself! When I say abundance, it is all encompassing– spiritually and physically. The joy poured out in our home and life in this season is far MORE than I could ask or imagine! It brings me to tears when I think of the promise of Kezia Joy’s name.
In my prayer journal I scribbled these notes this week,
“When I obeyed in faith and paid all that money for treatments, IVF, and transfers- I believed the blessing in return would be babies. I thought my girls were the reward… and they are! But I am beginning to believe the abundance pouring out beyond just the girls is a reward for faithful endurance and perseverance. You are reminding me God…. YOU SAW ME and you NEVER forgot me!”
I share this for my sweet sisters still in the wait…. as someone on this side of this all, 10 years of fighting and praying, crying and spending every extra dollar I had on supplements, healthcare, needles, doctors, and hormones… HE SEES. You are not forgotten.
You are fighting for LIFE. You are fighting for the things of God and your battle to bring children in the world won’t be forgotten.
El Roi, the God who sees, sees you.
Those hopeless days
Those tearful weeks
Those confusing years
He sees you.
He sees you in that pit- waiting, wondering.
I don’t know how this ends for you, but I do know God will reward and honor your faith and perseverance to be a mama. I don’t know how or when or what… but I can testify, God hasn’t forgotten you.
” Women of the Bible who had been barren brought forth its noblest children: Sarah, barren until ninety years of age begat Isaac; Rachel’s cutting cry, “Give me children or I die!” was answered, and she bore Joseph, who delivered the nation. Manoah’s wife bare Samson, another delivered of the nation. Hannah, a smitten soul, after sobbing in the sanctuary and vowing vows and continuing in prayer, ignored Eli’s score, poured out her soul, and received her answer in Samuel, who became the prophet of Israel. The barren and widowed Ruth found mercy and bared Obed, who begat Jesses, the father of David, of whose line came our Savior. Of Elizabeth, stricken in years, came John the Baptist, of whom Jesus said there was no great prophet born of women. If shame of childlessness had not subdue these women, what might men would have been lost!” – Why Revival Tarries, Leonard Ravenhill
There’s a gift for those of us that hold infertility as our story. I believe it now more than ever!